Facing my weakness & embracing the new

Everyone must have something that they are not good at, or just simply dislike — be it a chore, an activity or experience. For years, I’ve been reluctant to try and use audiobooks. I never liked it when someone narrated something I could read. It never sat with me. I just didn’t like it. I would find hundreds of different excuses why not to use it — from i’m a visual person, it wouldn’t work; i don’t like the sound of the voice and so on.. Excuses were ruling my choices for a long time.

Until recently tho. Since having my firstborn, I’ve been complaining too much about not having the time to read. The complaining got to a point where both my husband and I were annoyed — I think it started making me more and more anxious which in result reflected on my behaviour around my husband and even the kids. I started thinking — how did it happen to me? to a person who tries to find solutions for all the worlds problems, I can’t seem to find a solution to accommodate a simple reading desire..

Just as a side note, I used to read a lot — before having kids I’d read or go through 1 book a week — for personal or professional development. Now, in the last 2.5 years I have read 1 and a half books — not just because of having kids, but because kids + work + trying to make some husband and wife time is all consuming.. But that’s a massive change in one’s ability to process things — i felt my mind is deteriorating, my speech is becoming more primitive, my thoughts are in the wrong places.. I knew something had to happen to stop this being disruptive to my every day life.

Nevertheless… Time was still my issue.

Funnily, sometimes I found myself scrolling the feed In Instagram for 30minutes — I could’ve used that time for reading but I didn’t, I don’t even know I how got sucked into this — reading emotional stories of people I don’t know, being triggered by passionate captions under very attention-seeking photos.

Or even more absurd, I sometimes choose to window-shop online for 45 minutes — not even to buy anything but just put things I like but don’t need in a basket and go on with my day — that action actually satisfies my shopping or whatever need I had in that moment. Boom — another 45 minutes have just gone.

And then there are hundreds of chores and tasks on my to-do list every day, for example my wardrobe that needs constant organising because it becomes a storage for everything we own in the house. Or then there is cooking, and cleaning, and organising little ones lives and cleaning again — oh and walking the dogs 3 times a day. Luckily 2 for me, my husband takes turn in the evenings.

Any parent will know this, but that random me time is important — even tho I could’ve done something better like read a book. But the time goes, more quickly than I ever thought it would go. I’m down many books, many gym sessions and many self-care hours. I’m up scrolling on instagram, window-shopping and doing really random things. I’m done that being simply unorganised and reluctant to change has a less positive impact on my life than I’d wish.

Finally, after experiencing difficulties as a parent far too often — with a toddler and his tantrums — i decided I desperately need to learn and evolve as a parent, I need to understand what’s happening in his little mind and I can help him be happier, better self — while making our relationship better and our home a safe base.

Fast-forward search for help online — I found the books that had to be read in order for me to make a difference. Now, how do I read them? I’m still as pressed on time as I used to be.

My first attempt was to use my bath time — 1x a week on Thursdays I take a bath after I put our youngest to sleep, usually it’s my time to soak and wonder about life. I decided that this time can be shared with a book learning about psychology of a toddler. It was one of the most satisfying experiences, because I finally made time to something so important to me (reading) while not forgetting about myself by soaking in that bath.

After a successful attempt to reintroduce reading to my life, I was excited and hopeful that there is more that I can do. I quickly looked at my days — they are filled with nursery drop off and pickup, dog walks, walking my youngest, work, cooking, cleaning, entertaining them etc. I realised that for a better mental health I’d benefit from regular walks with my youngest during her first nap (1–2 hours). Since she’s asleep I can use this time to read — but unfortunately she doesn’t sleep if you stop — moving is the key for her sleep. And here I realised my only solution — audiobooks.

After realising that, I decided to give it a go. One of my chores this week was to clean my cupboard, that takes 1–2 hours over few days. I downloaded my next go-to book in Audible iPhone app and put it on speakers.

Reluctant and sure that it wouldn’t work (because I’m a visual person) I turned it on… then while I was cleaning the cupboard for almost 2 hours, the information just kept flowing in — an interesting book called the thriving child — slowly occupied my brain. I learnt a lot in that time and I felt happy I managed to overcome my problem — while still managing to do what I planned to.

It was a huge day for me — I managed to overcome the fear of trying something new that I thought I wouldn’t like, and I finally managed to find a way to get back to learning and reading in whatever way possible…

A note to people reading this: If you have something that you really want to do, but haven’t managed to — try to look at your daily routines with a new perspective as if you were a coach helping someone else. What would you suggest them? Then try for yourself. Don’t be afraid to do something you’re scared of or not comforted by.. That may be your solution. Or if you don’t know where to start shoot me an email at m@ziser.co.uk and I’ll try to work it out with you. (PS I’m not a doctor or a counsellor, but I believe in mentorship and that simply a fresh perspective can work wonders)

I find it therapeutic to write, mostly because after becoming a parent, my social life became almost non-existent, with the pandemic on top I rarely get a chance to share my ideas and get together with like minded people — like I once used to. However, becoming a parent didn’t change who I am or what I believe in — it gave me an extra responsibility and provided with a universe full of love, but the old-me who was curious about so many things in life is still there.

So I will use this space to share my ideas and get it “off my chest” — potentially you will find something new or just interesting, or even better — it will make you question some things and make changes for the better.

Lots of love,

Maili x